Eating a waffle too fast and almost choked to death alone in my apartment… The cats totally would’ve eaten my rotting corpse.

Frenulum got torn by my girlfriend’s braces and it got really infected. Was embarrassed to say anything so I didn’t. Went into shock and was rushed to the hospital. Almost lost my dick. And my life. But I am alive and everything is working just fine now.

The fucking spine of a dead scorpionfish accidentally being pushed into my foot while my friend was swimming with it on the end of his spear.

When I was 13, I thought I’d be cool and walk across what appeared to be a frozen river. Fell through up to my shoulders. Took three tries to pull myself out. Then had to walk 1/2 mile in the cold to get help.

Nearly walked in front of the light rail in Minneapolis. Literally, two seconds faster of a walk and I would have been squashed. The second train car hit my shoulder and spun me to the ground. The mark is still on my hoodie. Shit was real close.

Got into the back of a pickup truck that flipped doing 65.

When I was a kid I realized I could pull insurance scams on ice cream trucks. Ice cream truck hit me and I flew back 10 ft. I limped home with a free ice cream sandwich.

Went to my best friend’s bachelor party at a hotel on a cliff the night before the wedding. Sprinklers turned on and instead of walking through to get across the courtyard, I decided to go around. Stepped in a stonecrop bush at the edge of the cliff and fell about 50 ft. down and only broke my thumb. Ended up being the story of the wedding.

Parachuting accident during night airborne operations.

In 2005, I got locked into a walk-in freezer because the safety latch didn’t work on the door. I couldn’t get enough of a cell signal to make a call. So that’s when I sent my very first-ever text message, lying on the floor of a freezer in agony. Man, that would’ve been a dumb way to go.

I put on a fake mustache and then breathed in some of the hairs into my lungs. I stopped breathing and legitimately thought I was going to die.

A hoist chain holding an 8′ long x 3′ diameter concrete sewer pipe snapped while moving the pipe into position. I’d taken 3 steps to the side to grab a spade when it landed and was literally inches from being crushed. Didn’t even get the rest of the day off either.

When I was 8 y/o I went to my first ever air show. I was so excited I ran in front of a huge spinning propeller and was quickly snatched up by an attendant. I hadn’t even realized how close I came to being chopped up.

When I was a kid, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. We found a spot without a fence and went to take a photo. My mom told my brother and I to back up a bit (she meant one step) and I took about 4-5 steps before my brother snatched my shirt and threw me forward to the ground. I was about 2 feet away from falling into the Grand Canyon.

Almost drowned surfing, a couple of motorcycle accidents, a couple near motorcycle accidents, alcohol poisoning – twice, and one actual gunfight.

Stood there and watched a wasp pump his ass at me and then swoop down and pop me under my eye. About died 10 mins later.

While deployed to Iraq we had these flares that utilized a firing pin in the cap that you put on the bottom, hit it really hard and it shoots. I got lazy instead of using my hand to hit it, I banged it off the armor on my machine gun turret at an angle which nearly resulted in me shooting myself in the face.

Another dumbass airman wouldn’t take his gloves off during hand grenade training. The grenade was tossed straight up into the air and landed on top of the concrete barrier before trickling off the other side just as it exploded. Thankfully the concrete bunker ate shit and not me.

I was working as a bikini barista at the time and currently working alone. While the most likely way to almost die in this situation would be to have been attacked by some crazy man, because who in the right mind works alone…in a bikini? Instead, I was eating a tri-tip sandwich while no customers were currently at the shop. While devouring said sandwich I started to choke. Actual choking. I remember panicking thinking f**k I cannot die like this because of how embarrassing the news headline would be “local bikini barista choked on meat to death”. Luckily I didn’t end up dying! but I did finish my sandwich because I was hungry and I also like to live dangerously.