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1. I use to work at a Honda factory in Alabama and they get a lot of workers in from temp agencies, so you tend to get a lot of weird ones. As I'm walking back from my lunch break, I pass two guys and accidentally overhear, "I just want to impregnate the first thing I see." My only thoughts were, "Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact."
2. I speak a small amount of Russian. Not enough to get me through a conversation but after watching a bunch of videos and trying to learn the language, I can understand a fair amount more than I can speak.
I was in Toronto walking down the road and there were two guys, Russian, sitting and talking in Russian at a table. I overheard 4 words. Dead, Body, murder, and what was essentially dispose. I turned pale and got the f**k out of there.
3. I heard a dude grunting in the stall next to me trying to poop but they were clearly phantom poops.
Although, every time he farted he broke out into a hysterical laughter and would then return to grunting.
The grunting got louder and louder until he just let out this epic GRUNT. Seriously, I thought he was s***ting a boulder. I think the whole Student Union heard him.
Anyway, after the huge grunt I heard the smallest "plop" and all hell broke loose.
He was cheering at this victory by banging on the side of the stall. Screaming with happiness. Between his screaming laughter he would yell, "F**k you poop! You can't control me!"
I think he forgot to wipe and wash his hands because then he just walked out.
I still wonder if I should try to be more proud of the poops I take.
4. "I love you, but I can't let you throw my baby out the window." Said by drunk redneck lady to her male companion at a hole in the wall Mexican restaurant. She kept repeating it to the man, still have no clue what events took place in their lives to lead up to that conversation.
5. "Send the money back to Jamaica, or everyone's gonna die!"
I was waiting at a bus stop when a woman walked past me, screaming this into her phone. I'd very much like to find out if they sent the money back.
6. When I was a bartender, I could overhear quite a few conversations. The most unnerving came when I saw a man hand another man a small brown container with a white cap. I only overheard snippets:
"… won't remember anything."
"Even from what happened before. Total eraser."
"… do it again and again."
"…. get blackouts. You don't know what kind of damage that does."
"… pass out? I'm not a necrophiliac."
"No, they participate all right…"
7. At Burger King one day, "And they found her dead in the river?..... Who pulled her out?.... Oh, she was murdered?" It was a guy talking very loudly on his cell phone. There was an audible sigh of relief when he left.
8. I overheard someone in a bathroom talking to themselves in Yoda's voice saying "mmm tough this one is, use the force I must".
8 years ago, still creeps me out
9. Not creepy, but I overheard it:
SCENE: I enter the bathroom at a bar and head to the urinal. GUY 1 is slumped in the stall over the toilet. GUY 2 pops his head in.
GUY 2: Hey Rocco, you okay?
GUY 1: Ugghhhh.... Yeah.
GUY 2: You sure Rocco?
GUY 1: Mmmmmm... Ugh... fine.
GUY 2: Happy birthday Rocco.
GUY 2: You sure you're okay?
GUY 1: DO I LOOK LIKE I'M F***ING OKAY!?!
10. Work in prison so there is a lot, but one inmate telling me she was going to toss poo at me unless I fed her my boogers takes the list so far.
11. I was in a PATH train car with about 10 or 11 businesswomen. All middle aged. All looking pretty damn professional. 8 or 9 of them looked pretty damn sexy(if I do say so myself)
They were going on about how to trick men into getting them pregnant. Not even to trap them in a relationship. They just had the baby rabies.
Like they left a convention or something.
I made eye contact with another dude on the train. I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same damn thing.
12. Back in elementary school and middle school, this one kid would be rapidly scribbling pictures in his notebook with his face practically two inches away from the page. He would mutter extreme violent things but I didn't think much of it. Even though he was constantly called into the school psychologists office and was into killing, he never pulled anything in school. To be honest I was glad I graduated and got away from him. He always made me nervous.
Fast forward to last year: My freshman year of college! I'm all happily relaxing in the library, when suddenly I hear that voice again. God dammit he goes to my college now
13. A guy I was standing near in the bar: "You know, the simple fact of the matter is, I could easily drug and [sexually overpower] any of these chicks. Most of them I wouldn't even have to drug, because I'm obviously stronger."
His friend: "That's one hundred percent fact. Hell, I'd help if she turned out the be a fighter. You know that."
I could pretend they were having a hypothetical discussion about women's safety issues, if it wasn't for that second guy's reply.
14. At Starbucks in a pretty affluent area. Two soccer moms are having a conversation about mom #1's 12-year-old son [inappropriately touching] his sister who sounded close in age. It was graphic and detailed about what he did and what they were doing to stop it. They were talking in normal tones and not even being remotely secretive about this.
No, I didn't call the cops. No one is going to believe a poor kid over rich soccer moms anyway.
15. While having breakfast one morning in 2015, at a pousada somewhere in the Northeast of Brazil, I overheard the British owner say the following to some of his friends:
"So in terms of the new law, even if the boy consents or seduces you, YOU can still be charged [...] if he was underage."
16. I was at an airport and had to use the restroom. This was in one of the smaller terminals so there was practically nobody near where I was except for in the stall next to me. I had sat down and was going about my business when all of the sudden I hear this high, feminine giggling coming from the occupied stall, please note, I was in the men's restroom. So I figure that some random lady got lost and ended up in the wrong restroom, but then I hear another, deeper voice telling the lady to be quiet. So I sit there for a moment, wanting to finish up as quickly as possible so I can leave before things get graphic, but I was too late when all of the sudden the guy yells: "Christ, you've got a d**k!" The stall door banged open and I heard the guy speed out of the bathroom, the 'girl' close behind him. I then took the shortest dump of my life and hurried back to my gate, my brain full of f**k. TL;DR: The Crying Game went down in the bathroom stall right next to me.
17. "No, shut up. Just shut up. Listen to me. Go get some trash bags and rent a Uhaul. Everything's gonna be fine, I'll be there in 10 minutes." She then got up and walked out of the lobby while I exchanged horrified looks with the hotel cashier.
18. Two guys are talking next to me at a restaurant.
Guy 1: Dude, how do you decide if you take her to her place or your place?
Guy 2: It depends on how rough I want [it] to get.
Guy 1: What do you mean?
Guy 2: Well, if I get rough and we're at her place, she kicks me out and I have to go home in the middle of the night. If we're at my place, the girl can leave and I'm already in bed.
19. When I was at In-N-Out at 1 AM having your average post-drinking midnight meal, There was a homeless guy in the corner, quite dirty and obviously trying to subtly eat some leftovers someone left because he was hungry. Some drunk frat bros were making fun of him, telling him to go back to his hole and other insults. After a few minutes of this, the homeless guy got up, stood on his table, and literally put a curse on them. I forget his exact wording because the scene was so shocking and I couldn't believe what I was seeing/hearing, but it was something to the effect of "I hereby curse you never to father healthy children and to die a painful death without love in the next year. You will be tortured by Satan for all eternity I swear it". The employees called the cops and the homeless dude left.
TL;DR: Homeless Man puts a curse on some a-holes at In-N-out.
20. So this kid sat behind me in a class for the better part of a year. Then one day he went behind me and said " i will lick your sweat" in a creepy voice.