Heretics Fork. This fun little guy was placed between the breast bone and the throat just under the chin and secured by a leather strap. Victims were either hung upside down for forced to stay standing; anything by lay down. This made it impossible for them to talk, sleep or really move around a lot. The second that you did anything that made your head drop down, you’d pierce your throat or chest. After staying up for days, you’d confess to anything. If you were a blasphemer, liar or someone who used the lord’s name in vain, this was what you had to look forward to. Goddamn it history, what the fuck!

The Brazen Bull. In ancient Greece, a solid brass bull was constructed, with a single door. A person would be stuck inside and a fire would be lit underneath. The person would slowly roast and their screams would come out of the bull like roar, making it sound like a bull.

The Gibbet. This was the final form of torture for the infamous Captain Kidd, but you were placed in this iron cage and suspended for people to pelt you with rotten fruit, rocks, faces, etc… the combination of stuff would then attract the birds and the flies and if you’re left there, you’d probably die.

Crucifixion. There’s different ways this was done. Some say the victims were tied to the cross, others say nails through the palms or wrists, or all of the above. Eventually, your strength would give out and you’d lose the ability to breathe and then suffocate.

Judas Cradle. Talk about a pain in the ass. The victim would be placed in a waist harness above the pyramid-shaped seat, with the point placed in the anus or vagina, then slowly lowered by ropes. It’s like the next morning at Taco Bell essentially. The subject ends up tearing, which causes blood loss and infection. If left long enough, you’d split in half.

The Iron Maiden. There’s some debate on whether or not this was actually used for torture or execution, but just the sight of it makes me squeamish. You’d essentially be placed inside the iron cabinet, with the spikes behind and on the doors. As the doors close, you’re slowly impaled and die a slow death. Metal band though…

The Head Crusher. This one is pretty self-evident what it’ll do, but for the kids in the back, I’ll explain. You put your head in and turn the knob until your eyes go boing.

The Pear of Anguish. Depending on how sadistic your torturers were trying to be, they could stick this anywhere. There’s a crank inside that makes it open up like a flower. Imagine that in your mouth a different set of holes… I’m never eating a pear again.

The German Chair. This one is similar to the Judas Chair in the sense that you’re restrained to a device. In this torture, you’re restrained in the chair and then the back of the chair is lowered until something gets bent in the wrong direction. Talk about bending over backwards for forgiveness.

The Boats. An ancient Persian torture, you’d be placed in a boat (or a tub or part of a barrel), then you’d have your arms and head sticking out. They’d cover your exposed areas with milk and honey and let the flies and vermin take over. Eventually birds, maggots and worms got involved. Not sure if this is more of a torture or an execution.

The Breast Ripper. Why would anyone even think of this? Breasts are meant to be revered, worshiped and respected, not ripped. I don’t wanna know how it works, just that if you were suspected of being a witch, this was one of the things waiting for you.

The Rack. This was designed to dislocate every joint in the human body, and was thought to be the most painful form of medieval torture. A victim would be tied to a frame with their legs tied to the bottom and their arms to the top. Then a wheel would be turned and the victim would stretch until things popped. They’d keep going until things just popped off. Those dark ages were pretty dark

Rat Torture. This would should come as no surprise to anyone. The Rat torture required you to be restrained and a rat was placed in an open-bottomed cage. A heat source was placed on top and the rat had no choice but to eat it’s way out to escape. Being eaten alive by rats isn’t the way I’d like to go, and the second you pull out that thing, I’d be spilling my guts before the rat makes me do it.

Rope Torture. This is sort of a catchall. Rope was used in a wide variety of torture methods, including tying someone up outside without anyway to defend themselves from the elements, you could hang people, whip people and even give them severe rope burns that could get septic.

Thumbscrews. They’re called thumbscrews, but really, they could stuff anything in there. These were designed to slowly crush not only fingers and toes, but knees and elbows too. This was used to extract confessions in the medieval days.

Impalement. Of course you know about the guy who influenced Bram Stoker to write Dracula; Vlad the Impaler? This was his favourite thing to do. In 15th century Romania, the victim was forced to sit on a sharp, thick pole. Then the pole was raised upright and the victim was left to slide down the pole due to their own weight. It’s said that it took some victims 3 days to die this way, and Vlad would take his meals outside to converse with his victims. Sounds more torturous than Keanu Reeve’s accent in the Coppola film

The Cat O’ Nine Tails. This was an interesting way to get a confession out of someone or to lightly tenderize them before inflicting a different kind of torture.

The Neck Device. Similar to the devils fork, this would be placed around the victim’s throat and they’d be prevented from eating, sleeping and moving around. Eventually starvation and sleep deprivation would make them say and do pretty much anything.

The Spanish Donkey. This one might look pretty benign compared to the other ones, but it’s brutal. The victim was stripped naked and forced to sit on the donkey. Then weight would be applied to each leg until they came apart. Definitely less fun than a mechanical bull.

Republican Marriage. Not sure what it has to do with Republics, but it’s definitely something that will put a strain on your marriage. In this form of torture, women and men would be tied together before they’re tossed in the water. Basically, you die hating the company you keep. Sounds like marriage to me.

Cement Shoes. Another execution method, preferred by the mob, it was also an effective method to torture, as you’d be placed somewhere in low tide, or with a low amount of water and left there until the water drowned you. The Mob took things seriously, eh? Who wants a cannoli?

The Lead Sprinkler. It looks like a rattle or if you’re the church-going type, it’s similar to the holy water sprinkling wand. Except this was filled with boiling material (lead, acid, water) and sprinkled over the victim. Usually the eyes and face were the first areas to get ‘sprinkled.’

Hung, Drawn and Quartered. During the medieval times, the penalty for high treason in England was to be hanged, drawn then quartered in public. Abolished in 1814, it took the life of thousands of people. You were essentially dragged to the place of your public execution, hung until you were nearly dead, then you’re disemboweled and castrated, then finally 4 horses take a limb and tear you into quarters. And I thought the British were all about the tea and chips.

The Throne. If you thought your office chair was uncomfortable, check this out. You’d be forced to sit on the throne and then tied down. Then they’d add weight, or let your own body weight bring you down until you’re impaled all over and bleed to death.

Death by Sawing. There’s been different methods of accomplishing this torture, but the general gist is that you’re sawn down the middle, or sawn across your middle. Either way, doesn’t sound fun to me. This was a favourite of Roman Emperor Caligula. Thankfully the wonderful ‘art’ film about that guy has less sawing and more nailing.