Bear Ron Rump - I HATE my nickname! Is it my fault I have a pituitary gland issue that makes me as hairy as a yeti? I shave six times a day just to keep me from looking like Big Foot. And why did Mommy give me socks as a Christmas present? Was it a joke? As if I even need socks. I think she is still mad about Daddy Ron spending so much time in Wanka's room at night. They play games like button button, whose got the button and pin the tail on the donkey. I think it is a little creepy and all, but it keeps him out of my room so it's okay. (shudders) Check out www.meettherumps.com

Cracko Connie - Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! Yarf! That's Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh in Pomerjanian, the official language of my ancestors. It's like the worst day ever! Special Security told me they had to change my code name from plastic girl to Lego brick. It had something to do with trademark and sponsorship problems. Hey hey it's not my fault my face melted today while I was on camera, there was so much bright light to look at and the coke was not pepping me up at all. And it was diet coke, ugh, i mean Yarf! I had to spend 30 minutes in Ronnie’s special face molder just to get it to look this bad.

I HATE my nickname! Is it my fault I have a pituitary gland issue that makes me as hairy as a yeti? I shave six times a day just to keep me from looking like Big Foot. And why did Mommy give me socks as a Christmas present? Was it a joke? As if I even need socks. I think she is still mad about Daddy Ron spending so much time in Wanka's room at night. They play games like button button, whose got the button and pin the tail on the donkey. I think it is a little creepy and all, but it keeps him out of my room so it's okay. (shudders)

Gutless, Gnat C. Hard G on the Gnat please, not like the bug with no "g". Rappa wanna be. Old School to be da kool. What can I rhyme with Orange to complement Ronnie's hair and skin? What's the riff, or rift, what b kool, cuz I ain't no foooollll. Why am I so cute? Why are my lips so kissable? Why do people keep slapping me? What is it that makes people just hate me if they look at me? Do you think Ronnie will let me hold the Royal Rump Mushroom if I keep up my AZZ(k) Kissing?

Gymbo Gordon - Before I went to Mother Parsnip Boot Kamp I could only count to two, as in reps. One-two one-two. Man I kinda sucked a lot today, so much fudge-packing to do. At Christmas we sell a lot of Mother Parsnip's Famous Fudge here in Moscow and I am now working in the shipping department. At least it is only part-time so I can still put in a 15 hour workout with so much with running and pumping and pumping to do. I love to pump, one-two, one two. My muscles are like soviet iron, but not so rusty.

Linzeee Gwam-Kwacker - Ronnie let me hold the Royal Rump Mushroom today. I thought it would be bigger, but I didn't say anything cuz we were checking out the new shipment of pure cane sugar. Little square packages of pure brown sweetness. It makes the world seem just so much more alive and colorful. Wow. Damn! I "spoon it" on everything I can. Wow. Damn!

Joseph R. McCarthy - Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go. I dance down the sidewalk as I greet the hookers making their rugs. Such great rugs they make. I sing to myself that great old song "It's a Small World" over and over again until it becomes my mantra and I answer finally to the Great Mother Parsnip. Life is so much easier now that I don't have to think any more. Wow. Damn! Warping!! That pure cane sugar from Mexico really gives me a boost.

Ike Fence - Today was just so much fun. I got to prove what a Great Hypocrite I am. Mother was so proud of me speaking before all those great Pinko Children today and giving them the Message of JesUSA our Lord. JesUSA Loves all the Little Children who are Pinko and not the darker colors like green and blue and orange. Soon I will get promoted to Really Great Hypocrite, a high honor in our order. JesUSA. Bless Mother Parsnip.

Moscow Snitch - Life is beautiful and being one of the genetically modified life forms is amazing. I am now a Myrtle, part human, part turtle. When they exhumed my body, even after so many years, I still looked the same. On my gravestone they had made a joke about my face, vag-face or cat-face, either way I never got any of that vag or cat jizz or jazz. Vag (hard g please) or Vagabonds are a cross between hobos and dogs, ugly things to look at. Not like Myrtles at all. Wow. Damn! Rushing!!

Today was just the worst. Ronnie made me wear my biggest buzzer plug after yesterday’s total fiasco. How was I to know Allan Schmidt would find out about my trip to Spain to meet with Yurgi? So what if I used company money to fund it? It was business, mostly. But (s)he was so cute… I had to sit next to Allan all day and listen to him say mean things about Ronnie. I think he is just jealous of Ronnie’s hair. Every time Ronnie heard something he didn’t like, he pushed the remote and made my buzzer plug vibrate so much I had to keep moving it, clenching and unclenching. Finally I couldn’t take it any more and when I went pee pee I pulled it out. I grabbed some tissue and wiped it off as it was sticky and waxy. There was no way I was putting it back in without cleaning it first. This time I decided to put it in my right ear as my left ear had had enough. PS Remember to add Q-Tips to shopping list.

Ronnie Rump - What a day, what a day I had, it was the greatest day ever in the history of the USA, United Soviet Amerika. No more 50 stars, no more blue. We only need One Red Star! And some yellow, golden like my pee pee. With this we show total unity with Mother Parsnip. Erections, I mean elections, who needs them anymore. Now I can build Rump Monolith anywhere and everywhere, even West Korea. My friend there, the inglorious Pocket man himself, Kim Jong Kim. He makes the greatest radiation suits and bunkers you ever saw, my little Pocket Man. I got him in my pocket, my Little Pocket Man. Wow. Damn! Zoinks!!

Woody Chuck G-Man - How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Look into my eyes, if you can find them. Sometimes they are bug-eyed little monsters.

Wanka Rump - Today was not a good day again!!! I just don't understand all these people at VET and what is wrong with my hair care products. Ugh!!! I know our Alt-Right Ultra Pinko hair care products work well with some of the girls, and yes two did go to the hospital for severe burns and three had their hair fall out but how is that my fault?