When she flipped out because her third grader came home with “erect” on a spelling list, and was on the verge of calling the school. She honestly had lived her entire life not knowing “erect” had any other use aside from describing a penis. When she “surprised” me by inviting her mother on our 16 day Hawaiian cruise.

She got me madlibs and when it was her turn to do a noun she asked “What is a noun?” I said “it’s a person, place, or thing.” There was a long silence as she thought. It went on for so long that I thought she must be thinking of the best noun I had ever heard. Then she said “place.” I had been dating this girl for a few months and it was Christmas time. We weren’t super serious but it was serious enough that I was buying her Christmas presents. I found something for her that was perfect and it had a connection to some funny event involving her and my cat. So I made the present from the cat. I thought I was being cute and she would make the connection. Instead, she got pissed that my cat got her a present and I didn’t. I thought she was joking. To make matters worse we were at her parents’ place and they backed her up. It was extremely awkward and I realized it wasn’t going to work out. She thought Scotland was its own island, as in separated by water. We live 30 mins from the border.

Was on a hike and was following a trail I had read up on online. We get to a fork and I say “okay now we need to go north”. She says “haven’t we been this whole time?”. Confused, I look at her and ask why she says that. She replies “north is the direction in front of you yeah?” Still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic… When I saw her water her plastic plant for the third time. She kept trying to put food inside the rolling pin and then trying and flatten it by just rolling it around.

She tried to argue that we could get to the moon easier if we just built a spaceship that could go underwater, and flew it through the ocean to the moon during the day time rather than straight up. He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning it. The same gun. 2 weeks apart. My ex thought that whenever I missed his call, the phone would still be ringing even after it went to voice mail. I got at least three voice mails a week that consisted of silence and the odd annoyed, impatient sigh.

(In my defense, this was back in 2004) I found it charming and endearing that he did funny voices, made funny idiosyncratic jokes, and occasionally called me “m’lady”. Then I saw Anchorman. Oh my god he literally was doing a 24/7 Ron Burgundy impression, eclipsing his entire personality. I’m not sure I ever really met him. That the past was black and white. She was serious.

My ex gf is 5’4″ and petite. She wouldn’t eat all day and have 3 martinis and black out. She would then claim she was allergic to alcohol. When she told me that she’d never been to France. I knew for a fact she went to Disneyland Paris every year.”Paris isn’t in France!” She insisted. Watching a wildlife documentary and my girlfriend asked me if bears laid eggs. My girlfriend at the time genuinely believed that it was the headless horseman that ran though Lexington and Concord shouting “The British are coming, the British are coming!”

When he told me, quite seriously, about how people with enough willpower can survive by photosynthesis. She was out for a run one day and when she came back she said an animal charged at her, so she cut her run short. I asked her what it looked like, and she said, “like a cow, but brown.” It was a cow. Boyfriend took me to a fancy restaurant and we ordered wine. When the waiter came back, he gave my BF the cork to sniff. My BF grabbed it, sucked on it and licked it like a lollipop all excited while the waiter looked uncomfortable, poured our glasses and slunk away. He was getting his license renewed and they asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor. He said no. When I asked why he told me it was because he didn’t want the government to come knocking for any of his organs when he still needed them. He really thought that becoming an organ donor meant that, at any time, his organs could be taken.