JCobra Silver Cock Ring with Natural Pearl – $2,600. Who doesn’t love dressing to impress? When every part of your body contains a type of jewelry or accessory that completes the package? But, there’s always been something missing, something you felt you left out. Now, the puzzle is complete! This “ergonomically bent” cock ring contains .999 fine silver, a black or white pearl, and even comes with an engraving option.

Betony Vernon Ostrich Feather Tickler – $2,999. Designed for erotic tickling, this ostrich feather attached to a sterling silver handle will set you back a cool $2,999.

Betony Vernon Elegant Spanker – $3,011. The Elegant Spanker is hand-made from your choice of finally finished solid mahogany or cherry wood. The retailer claims that its sterling silver handle provides the perfect grip and overall balance that has made it a favorite of skilled “aficionados” of spanking.

Lelo Luna Beads – $3,090. These beads come in 20K gold and I’ll be completely honest, I have no idea how you’re suppose to use these. What I’m getting from watching the product video is that you’re suppose to plop them inside of you and just go about your day. There are little balls inside of these beads that move and vibrate based on your movement, causing your muscles to contract and relax. She suggests wearing them on your morning run, doing chores, or just when ever you feel like having two fucking vibrating balls inside you.

Lelo Olga – $3,490. If you haven’t gotten the hint yet, Lelo specializes in luxury sexy toys and the Olga is no different. This high-end dildo comes in 24K gold.

Lelo YVA – $3,900. This little bean-looking thing is a 24K gold massager. It’s described as more than just a massager, it’s a lifestyle.

Paradise String of Pearls – $4,254. The only sex toy on this list that can actually be worn out in public, this 18K gold ring contains 7 white pearls that are meant to swivel across the skin.

Betony Vernon 18kt Nipple Clamps – $5,436. These two little 18K gold vice grips are recommended for all the places that they should’t be. The retailer explicitly warns against leaving these on for more than 15 minutes, which is 15 more minutes that I would actually want.

The Dream Love Chair – $6,200. The dream love chair is a Korean product originally designed to assist the physically handicapped in having sex. Not to let a perfectly crazy thing go to waste, the chair became an extremely popular sex toy in Japan and can be found in many of Japan’s sex hotels.

The Tally Ho Chair – $14,000. This handcrafted piece of furniture comes from designer Mark Brazier Jones. It can be used in a variety of ways but with a price tag of $14,000 dollars. I’d leave it in the extra living room that the family never uses.

Lelo Inez – $15,000. If you’re bored with your $3,490 Lelo Olga Dildo or if shoving $3K worth of gold inside you just isn’t enough anymore, then look no further than this 24K gold-plated $25,000 vibrator.

Sex Doll – $15,982. A normal full-sized sex doll will cost you around $2,000. Most sites, though, offer an insane amount of full customization. Every inch of these dolls can be customized from the freckles to the makeup, hair, eyes, skin, breasts, nipples, vagina, and of course, pubic hair. A top end fully customized doll will run you around $15,000 but who can put a price on love.

Coco de Mer Nell Pleasure Vibrator – $17,443. This little vibrator has 5 speeds and is encased in an 18K gold plate. It was inspired by the shape of a coco de mer seed. The vibrator also comes in an artisanal wooden lockbox with gold detailing and a gold key. For my nonexistent money, I’d go with the Inez over this. It’s 24K gold and almost $2,500 cheaper. The lockbox is a nice touch, though.

The Eternity Egg – $25,000. This vibrating egg is designed by Colin Burn. You’re going to be seeing a lot from him at this point in the list, he specializes in extravagant sex toys. This particular one is made from 18K yellow and white gold with and comes covered in 4K diamonds.

Eternity Dildo – $38,000. Another from Colin Burn, this piece contains a polished oak handle, a ring completely covered with diamonds, and a smooth platinum body.

The Victor Phantasm – $60,000. Lelo’s most expensive toy to date: the Victor Phantasm. Covered in white gold, studded with twenty-four 18K diamonds, and containing a wearable 90-diamond ring, this dildo isn’t for those light in cash.

King JCobra Solid Gold Cock Ring – $126,585. Cobra Commander’s cock ring of choice, this solid gold snake weighs over a pound and comes with an optional white or black pear set in its mouth. The ring is recommended to be worn through the day for increase in sexual health and manly confidence. Delivery takes around 8 weeks and arrives in the a wooden box that the manufacture claims is created by the same craftsmen that make the interiors for Rolls Royce and Bently.

Pearl Royal – $1 Million. This insane monstrosity of a dildo look like something that has been passed down for generations in Queen Elizabth’s family. It was designed by none other than Colin Burn himself and contains 1000 white and pink sapphires, pearls, and diamonds. The piece that controls the vibrator can be detached and fitted onto a necklesss.

Beckham’s Gift – $1.8 Million. Not since the Holy Grail has a treasure sought after by so many been seen by so few. This $1.8 million gift from the soccer gods was commissioned by David Beckham for his wife Victoria when she became pregnant. It’s rumored to be made of platinum, covered in 10K diamonds and connected to a 16K diamond necklace. You know, perfect for the horny woman on the go.