The Erotic Art Show that I just went to had literally hundreds of fascinating works, but the one thing that really stuck out was my penis.

— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) July 13, 2013

I keep losing at Trivial Pursuit so I'm beginning to question the historical accuracy of some of my porn collection.

— Brent (@Lucanade) July 17, 2013

If you're telekinetic and you know it, clap my hands.

— Wile E. Quixote (@ScottLinnen) July 14, 2013

Studies show that four out of five members of Maroon 5 aren't Adam Levine.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) June 28, 2012

You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub & the water in the toilet rises.

— Uniquely Twistedâ„¢ (@rage_chaos) July 18, 2013

I think the reason JFK was a pill-popping alcoholic is that his parents named him after an airport.

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) July 18, 2013

I don't want to fix you. I want you to ruin me.

— Angela J. (@DirtyMelodies) July 19, 2013

I don’t fuck with snakes. You don’t fuck with something that lives on land and decided legs weren’t important.

— noog (@noogscorner) February 19, 2013

A girl only has one heart, so playing around with it is wrong. Play with her boobs instead, she’s got two of them.

— Uniquely Twistedâ„¢ (@rage_chaos) July 21, 2013

Hey Apple, I don't see anyone on Star Wars charging their Lightsabers every 3 hours. hint hint Lightsaber batteries. Get it sorted.

— Johnny Boy (@Out_The_Back) October 27, 2012

I work hard and I play hard. I'm addicted to Viagra.

— Christopher Sweet (@kingofalltweets) July 30, 2013

ITunes installs in 3 minutes, or 18 months if you read the user agreement.

— Ron Mexico (@Coastiefish) July 30, 2013

Snoop Lion isn't even his final form. Next he becomes Snoop Gryphon with a diving talon attack

— Dave Callan (@davecallantwit) July 30, 2013

Atheists need to consider that God might just be a really fucking good ninja.

— noog (@noogscorner) August 1, 2013

Always disconcerting when you find a grey hare in your private area

— comedyfish (@comedyfish) August 2, 2013

I just saw a guy with a faux-hawk wearing a TapouT shirt and carrying a 12-pack of Bud Light, if any ladies need wet pussies.

— $pencer (@13spencer) August 2, 2013

The hairdresser I prefer to use pic.twitter.com/bW4WZvDmnG

— Centro (@centro16) August 2, 2013

how come they don't make mouse flavoured cat-food? or cat flavoured dog-food?

— Mick Neven (@MickNeven) September 27, 2011

BREAKING NOOSE: Hanging fails due to defective rope.

— Mike Scully (@scullymike) August 3, 2013

If you judge your banana by its inability to hug you my drugs are clearly better than yours.

— DannyDogMouth (@dannydogmouth) August 7, 2013