Minnesota Vikings I hope you’ve got good insurance because you’re a walking triage unit. I would actually feel better for you if it was just your hypochondria, but no, you can’t roll out of bed without injuring something. You’re a risk taker and like to roll the dice, unfortunately it too often comes up snake eyes. Hanging out with the old crowd sure isn’t doing any wonders for you either.

Green Bay Packers We get it, you like the cold. And cheese. You come from a small town and make damn sure everyone knows it. Oh you could ride your bike from one side of town to the other? Cool… Nothing really surprises you at this point. You’ve been there, done that and gotten the t-shirt. Can we talk about your propensity to follow around snarky, arrogant men? As soon as one gets tired and leaves, you replace him with another.

Detroit Lions You’ve toyed with greatness a few times, but you fail remarkably each time. Not even being friends with a transformer could help you. It’s a running joke amongst your friends (when you’re not around) how long until you move out and make something of yourself. At one time, you were on the cusp of actually being the best at what you do, ever, but you quit under the crippling strain of failure and someone else stole your title. Who knows what could have been.

Chicago Bears Once upon a time you were mentioned with the best and the brightest. It’s really inexplicable how far you’ve fallen and how fast. That said, your friends think you’re virtually immortal and you have a mustache that would make Magnum PI Jealous.

Dallas Cowboys For having Skeletor as a father, you did alright for yourself. Then all that success faded, just don’t tell dad—he’s sure you’re still right on the cusp of greatness. You’re still one of the most popular people around, though no one really understands why. Are you famous or infamous? The lines have really blurred. You’re the poster child for doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. When are you kicking that clapping ginger to the curb? You deserve better.

New York Giants Ever heard the phrase sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good? Yeah, that’s you. You always manage to backslide into success somehow. As if that’s not annoying enough, why do you always look like you’re smelling something disgusting for the first time? Your friends jokingly refer to you as “dump face.”

Washington Redskins Speaking of overbearing dads, yours refuses to let go of his old “stereotypes” as he calls them. Just speaking your name enrages some people. You’re behind the times in more ways than one though. You’re an enigma in that you throw money around like you’re printing it, but you refuse to spend it on things you really need. Your biggest rival casts a shadow you never seem to break quite free of.

Philadelphia Eagles Your dating life isn’t quite at Buffalo depths, but only because you haven’t made it to the alter as many times. You’ve got the swagger of a champion, with an empty trophy case. You get away with it, however, because you’ll throw batteries at anyone who gives you shit. Remember that time that kid fell down the stairs and you clapped? Yeah, us too… NFC South

Carolina Panthers Success is something you find often, but never seem to hang onto. You’ve been to the top, only to have your hopes hammered into the dirt. As many times as you get knocked down, you always seem to get back up. It just takes a decade. You’re known as “one trick pony” around the bar. You can’t just run away from your problems anymore.

Atlanta Falcons I’m not sure where to begin, or if it matters since you’re probably in a strip club and can’t read this. On the surface, you have it all. When the going gets tough though, it’s immediately apparent to everyone that you’re all glamor and no guts. It’s ironic really, considering your dad runs the local hardware store.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Decades of brutal failure followed by the ultimate success followed by decades of brutal failure? Hey, at least you stopped raiding grandma’s closet. Unfortunately, you traded that for dressing like your raver cousin. Have you ever heard the phrase “dress for the job you want”? Hey, look at the bright side, you don’t need to win to go to Disney World, just hop on your rascal and head down the block.

New Orleans Saints You’re an idol and an icon where you come from. Like a superhero, you stand for strength and being able to overcome anything. Unfortunately, you haven’t been able to overcome your own ineptitude in years. You seriously need a class or two in wealth management. You’ve run just about every worthwhile friend out of town, except that one little guy who refuses to give up on you. NFC West

Seattle Seahawks Everyone loves to hate you, while at the same time you seem to have “fans” coming out of the wood work. It’s well known that you will do whatever it takes to win, even if it means bending rules and cutting corners. The effects of steroids aren’t permanent, right? We are all waiting to see how many real friends you have once your success fades… Oh and stop stealing other people’s catch phrases.

San Francisco 49ers The 80’s were absolutely gold for you. You could do no wrong. Then you got that makeover in the 90’s… You poured a lot of money into that makeover and it really looked good – for a year. The new millennium has made you its bitch. Perhaps worst of all is your boss who inherited the family business and has absolutely run it into the ground. To make matters worse, you’re on the NSA watch list.

Arizona Cardinals You’d think with 160 degree weather that your shame of past failure would evaporate into a dry heatwave of success, but you’re only haunted by your former brush with greatness. You looked poised for the good life, but you let your guard down and that bug eyed guy from the steel mill stole your girl. It all slides off you though because, like a honey badger, you give no f*cks.

Los Angeles Rams As many times as you move to try and start fresh, you always fall into the same patterns. You were inches away from the ultimate victory, and haven’t been the same since. Your homecoming hasn’t been as sweet as you expected. Your parents still don’t care about you. Where the Bears mustache is a beacon of hope and ferocity, yours is more of the fired porn star variety. Time to move on from that baggage.