Less than two months ago, as I started to recognize the writing on the wall around quarantines and lockdowns and saw footage of hundreds of idiots panic buying thousands upon thousands of rolls of toilet paper, I went ahead and purchased a bidet.
Having grown up outside of the United States for most of my life, I was actually already quite familiar with the concept of washing my a** instead of wiping it and had always held the opinion that TP alone just can't get the job done. The popularity of flushable wipes suggests that Americans, who have long been staunchly loyal to toilet paper, might finally be acknowledging that just TP alone doesn't get you clean.
Sadly, flushable wipes are terrible for sewage systems and the environment (assuming they're actually flushable at all, which many of them aren't despite claiming to be). Plus, assuming they haven't been hoarded by the same idiots who bought up all the TP, you have to keep spending money on them, whereas a bidet is basically a one-time investment that'll change your f***ing life.
Here are just a few reasons I love my bidet and refuse to live without one now:
1) Superior cleaning.
Bidets get your butt sparkling clean, whereas even the best, plushiest Charmin is basically just smearing you dry and chafing your butt after a while. Think about it, if you stepped into s**t barefoot, would you wipe it off with some napkins or hose your foot down? Bidets offer a superior cleaning experience, and that's a fact. For those of you who have a** hair that'd make a sasquatch look bikini-waxed, it's also a great way to avoid the old dingleberry situation.
Literally how I feel every time I use my bidet.
2) They can also be used for feminine hygiene.
Some of y'all may not know this, but it's something you'll learn after you've lived with a lady for a while - periods are messy. Bidets are a great way to clean up menstrual blood. Many bidets even come with a feminine wash function which features a different angle to the water jet and a gentler spray setting.
A lil "ooh, ah!" for your hooha.
3) They're gentler and easier.
Bidets a great solution for the elderly, people with mobility issues, or people prone to rashes or hemorrhoids because washing is a gentler, less irritating cleansing option.
Thanks to bidets, Harold no longer has to hide the pain of his gross butt rashes.
4) It's eco-friendly.
Americans consume billions of rolls of toilet paper annually, production of which requires the pulp from tens of millions of trees as well as hundreds of billions of gallons of water. In fact, the average roll of toilet paper takes nearly 37 gallons of water to produce and gets used up in roughly a week or two. Compare that to the 1/8th of a gallon that a bidet consumes per flush and you're still coming in WAYYY under the TP.
And yes, while you may want to use some TP for drying after you're finished, using a bidet will still cut your average consumption by a LOT! Or, if you've got a few minutes to spare you could always just hang out and drip dry on the toilet, thereby going totally paperless!
5) It's wallet-friendly!
I'll be honest, I get the expensive, quilted TP because I'm prone to chafing. Even if you're getting the cheapest TP you can find, it's still gonna cost you more money in sales, tax, and driving to the store (and/or shipping if it's delivered) than the cost of the water you'll use on a bidet.
6) Butt stuff.
No, really. This is the kind of hard-hitting journalism and fresh perspectives that you came to EBW for. None of these other sites will talk about it, but we're gonna go there. Yes, a bidet will stimulate your booty, and you may find yourself enjoying it for more than just the fresh clean feeling. Maybe your partner is the one who gets into it instead, and it opens up a conversation about butt play that you wanted to have but never knew how to bring up. Nothing ventured is nothing gained and if you didn't get it for your birthday, maybe this is how you slide in through the back door (pun absolutely, extremely intended).
It should also be noted that kids these days are eating a** like it's the first course at a breakfast buffet, so bidets are also a good choice to keep your booty clean enough to eat off of. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.
In conclusion: I love my bidet, it's made my life better in pretty much every way, and everyone should get one.