I know this isnt the place for this at all CJ but this was pretty funny, plus im sure there are lots of people who can relate to being cheated on including me.....Also its nice not to have to read about someone getting stoned or having homsexual fantasys about bus stops and butthole surfers. So enjoy while it lasts.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I wont even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I cant handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldnt crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I cant listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I dont know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didnt.

I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I cant imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didnt reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. Ill be sure to file it away under L for Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldnt care less about. You did a stupid thing huh? Nodoing long division and forgetting to carry the one is a stupid thing; Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is a stupid thing; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if youre taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran that morning isnt as much a Stupid thing as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, Im not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying Well, I didnt Fuck him somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldnt care less if the world looked funny to you yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, Im sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone elses feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends dont think youre a terrible person, they just think youre the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad