Twitter posts that make me want to stab someone

courtousy of tweeting too hard



228 this morning. Rock-hard abs. Looking good. I'd fuck myself if I were flexible enough.

Girl at the gym was checking me out, I could tell she wanted me. A Philly 8, but she had sweaty arm pits. I don't date girls that sweat.

A woman ordered a breakfast sandwich with sausage and bacon, while I had a whole-grain blueberry muffin. Am I justified in feeling superior?

We WALKED to the grocery store this morning. We are ADORABLE. And green.

Is it strange to think that I was called by God to point my co-workers to the Hope and Love of Jesus Christ in this uncertain time?

LOL. Chauffeur is here to drive me to the other wing where Chef has dinner waiting. Bye lesser people. Fiona out.

Guy next to me just mocked my 2G iPhone as an "inferior product". If he only knew who he was talkng to...  

I really don't understand why I am not insanely famous.  

The recession JUST got personal. Found out the value of the home im supposed to inherit next year is down by $600k  

I'm on a self-imposed drought right now, mostly because I don't want to waste my time with less than a perfect 10.  

I do not need to be spoken to like I'm less than a human being. Honestly, I'm probably a better human being than most, so fuck off.  

Mondays must suck for poor people!  

Ha I love pissing off city workers. They were repaving the road so we drove on it, I moved the cones, and flipped the guy off. Good times  

my plane is delayed for another 20 minutes...from now on I'm flying in private jets period.  

There's a fly in here, i'm not used to that. I feel like I'm in a third world country  

tore off my shirt to show off these rippling muscles while replacing the water cooler jug. my hotness is wasted in an office w/no hot women  

I've probably received fellatio in a stretch limo more times than you've ever ridden in a limo. Actually, there's no probably about it.

Uploaded 01/22/2010
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