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1. This is so minor and silly but someone told me this once and I about died.
We had met and were like four jokes in when he said “okay okay, I got one. Do you know the difference between a Caesar salad and a blowjob??”
Obviously I said no, and he laughed a little and just said “In that case, can I take you out to lunch!?”
2. What’s better than roses on a piano? Tulips on your organ.
3. A customer walks up to an employee at GNC. “You won’t believe this, there’s a man over there sticking his penis in a container of protein powder!”
The employee looks over and yells “No fucking whey!”
4. Jimmy’s family lived in a small apartment, and his parents could never get any alone time to have sex, so they came up with a plan. They told Jimmy to stand outside on the balcony, gave him a popsicle, and asked him to tell them everything that was happening in the neighborhood while he ate it. He went outside, and they got 15 minutes of alone time, which they put to good use.
Afterward, he came back in and gave them his report. “Susie Jenkins and her sister were playing jump rope, Steven Schwartz was riding his bike around in circles, and Billy Smith’s parents were having sex.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because Billy was out on his balcony with a popsicle too”
5. A lesbian vampire is eating her GF out
After she’s finished, she says “Same time next month?”
6. Why doesn’t Oedipus use foul language?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
7. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
8. Two nuns riding their bicycles down a cobblestone road.
One looks around and says to the other, “I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.”
The other looks at her and says, “must be the cobblestones.”
9. What’s the difference between a golf ball & G-spot?
A guy will spend hours looking for a golf ball.
10. Little Johnny asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
His mother replies, “The stork brings them.”
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”
11. One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class. “there are 3 birds on a wire, if a hunter shoots one. how many are left?” the teacher calls on little johnny. “none”, he says. ‘‘no but try again’’ the teacher says. ”none.” He says again. “because if you shoot one the rest will get scared and fly away. The teacher says’’ not the right answer, little johnny, but I like the way your mind works.
Little johnny then says ” alright, teacher, I have one for you. there are 3 women sitting at a table eating ice cream. One is sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is bitting it. Which one is married?” the teacher rolls her eyes and says “the one sucking it, little johnny?” Little johnny then says “no, miss. the one with the ring on her finger, but i like the way your mind works.”.
12. What’s the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
13. What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
14. A mother asks her daughter what she wants for Christmas. Her The daughter thinks for a moment and then says, “I want a Barbie and a GI Joe.”
“But I thought Barbie comes with Ken?” replies the mother.
“Nah” says the little girl. “She fakes it with Ken. She comes with GI Joe.”
15. My wife got a tattoo of a sea shell on her thigh. If I hold my ear up to it I can smell the ocean.
16. What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke?
Your mom can’t take a joke.
17. What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?
Where you put the cucumber…