How to pick up women if you have an accent: 1. Say anything

— Johnny blAze (@J0hnnyBlaze) December 24, 2012

Guys can always tell I don't fake an orgasm by the way I scream YOU GET RIGHT BACK DOWN THERE AND KEEP FUCKING TRYING ASSHOLE!

— The Notorious T.I.T (@AttackOfRack) February 21, 2013

I’ve never been in a water balloon fight that didn’t end with chasing someone into the house with the garden hose.

— Chopper (@chopper4jk) April 21, 2013

if your name is richard and you don’t title each of your selfies with ‘dick pic’ than there’s something deeply wrong with you.

— Shael(@5hael) April 17, 2013

Licking something to discourage others from stealing it may be how oral sex was invented.

— ShoutingGoddess (@ShoutingGoddess) June 15, 2012

1. Buy a Bird2. Buy a Hawk3. Name the bird Larry4. Name the hawk Tony5. Chill with Tony Hawk and Larry Bird

— John (@JMNuch23) April 22, 2013

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after your first date, then your boobs are small.

— Sweetness (@SweetHeathyr) November 10, 2011

A Hummer limo is a great way to show people you'd be an asshole all the time, if you just had the money.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 22, 2013

This ugly chick at the bar told me her favorite position is doggy-style.Bitch please, like you have a choice.

— Shane (@shanethevein) July 9, 2011

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of person who asks for her friendship bracelets back during an argument.

— Jessica (@Schmoodles) April 23, 2013

I just invented a combo Accordion/Bagpipe....because....fuck everyone...

— LtFrankDrebbin(@LtFrankDrebbin) April 23, 2013

My ex didn't see the funny side of me swapping her tampons with party poppers

— Johnny Boy (@Out_The_Back) August 19, 2011

Being a mom, you learn to masturbate with Spongebob playing in the background.

— Nicoleroxu (@nicoleroxu) July 28, 2012

a good way to get the garlic smell off your hands is to rub a turd between them

— *meat tornado* (@meat_tornado_) April 29, 2013

Just pulled a muscle making my bed, so there's more than one gay athlete out there, Jason Collins!

— cDubBub (@Bubula56) April 29, 2013

You can tell Billy Joel really loves alcohol by the way he sings about it.

— Diablo Cody (@diablocody) April 26, 2013

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL__UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

— Chris Sherk (@TheIronSherk) April 28, 2013

I really want to rent a hot air balloon.Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 19, 2012

Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 6, 2012

Going to see Jurassic Park 3D!!!! Since I know what happens, I'm just gonna get fingered in the back of the theatre.

— Larisa (@larisasays) May 1, 2013